life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
