i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
