You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
