literally had 100 drinks last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
