everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
