I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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