margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
