i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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