he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
