While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
