Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
