Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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