I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
