Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
