I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
