Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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