Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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