Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
