Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
