If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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