Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
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you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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