Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
