If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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