I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
