She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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