What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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