Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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