My Higher Power is John Stamos
Say something about gay babies.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
