What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
