nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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