Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
