i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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