I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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