Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
