There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
