TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
