my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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