Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
