I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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