Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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