I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
