I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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