Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
