just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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