I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ugly people sure do ruin things
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
