you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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