Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
