we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
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During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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