Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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