I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
