dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
