I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
