I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
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I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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