Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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