I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
