im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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