I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
