After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
