dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They took my balls.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
