he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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