When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
