I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
