My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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